worken on my ashes..

How many bites does it take?

2011-07-07T17:50:00.004-04:00

I have been absolutely plagued (excuse the pun) by the following scripture in the past few days. The more I think I grasp it, the more I am thwarted in my current paradigm of our Creator God...

The Isrealites, as usual, are complaining and unhappy with their freedom from slave life in Egypt and miraculous blessings which the God of Moses continues to provide for them.
They begin complaining about not having meet to eat (with a side whine for fruit and spices...and not that I can say that I wouldn't be joining them in their chants...girl likes to get her steak on, ya know).
But we find them whining again, and complaining throughout the camp, enough to make their uncertain leader -Moses- uncomfortable and loathesome of his position. (certainly there is an entire lesson in this chapter about the struggles of leadership and deligation). But the issue that gets to me is found in the following verses:

People Complain: 11:4-6
(Which, may we be so rich as to remember the MIRACLE and BLESSING that their receiving of the Manna was!!)
Moses complains to the LORD about the people's complaining: 11:11-15
-First the LORD provides direction for Moses to share this burden of leadership, then--
The LORD tells Moses what to tell the Isrealite campers: 11:18-20
Moses doubts (come on Moses! Have you learned nothing?!) and the LORD (sarcastially) rebukes his feable-mindedness: 11:21-23
So a whole bunch of things fall into place, Moses follows directions and eventually him and those who were choosen to share the burden of his difficulties return to camp where a great wind from the LORD is literallyFLYING in fish from the sea! Which, of course, sends all of these complain-y pants people out gathering for 2 days!! :11:31-32
WOO-HOO!!! Everyone's happy!!
......not so much.... then-->
"..while the meet was still between their teeth, and before it could be consumed, the anger of the LORD burned against the people, and he struck them.with.a.severe.plague." 11:33.

What?!?!
God provides for them a miracle, answering a cry his people have voiced....and it kills those who partake in it??!!!

This is where my Bible fell to my lap and my mind-hamster began jogging....
I get God being angry.
I get him plaguing, leading to death, of those who complained.
...but why after all that effort???
...why lead Moses and the other leaders through so much? (i believe it was to teach them-namely, thick-headed Moses- a good solid lesson of His power, control, reliability, and over all dominating capability)..
But the aspect I continue to ponder is this:
The manna didnt kill anyone (if they followed the instructions it came with).
...yet there isnt too much of a difference to how they first got the manna.
They whined, Moses complained, the LORD gave instructions....
the manna came. prayers answered. they ate. ...no dying!

I'm only thinking...experience would have taught the fickle Isrealities that such a miraculous blessing from God would be good!
...When do we know if a blessing from God- an answer to our complaining and desires- will lead us to 'death'?

**note(I do believe a great lesson from this story is our need to be thankful and full of praise for what we HAVE. not had. not "could have". but rejoyous with conentment for what, where, we ARE)**

Get BacK

2007-02-10T16:48:00.000-05:00

This has been such an amazing year~~ ...already! Which basically makes me a bit nervous of how the rest will go- but ultimately, anxious n xcited for the unknown 2 play out!

There have been so many visitors (friends and family) in town since new years that a girl has found time to breathe occasionally difficult~~ and couldnt be loving it more!! :-)

And, while the adventures have never been long, they have been crazy/fulfilling/enjoyable/testing/and welcomed.
From Skydiving the first week (profile pic) to extreme nights at karaoke clubs-- to days spent in the parks-- to late nights laughing, watching movies, and enjoying bonfires with friends... Seeing my sister turn 18, being there for my girls when they get their heart broken, having friends take me out when my heart gets dropped-- to shopping therapy, sunny days-- cool evenings, lots of reading~~ and releasing of hindrances that can go untouched 4 years.
*sigh*

no, it hasn't all been smooth~~ but it has all been real~ fully experienced. i've fought for my job-- i've had other people fight with me for my job~~ i've had people throw me down with disrespect and fight against me with backstabbing lies.

i have fallen. i have gotten back up. i have kept on dancing.
(none of which i couldve done on my own...)

honestly... I have felt like ME again. for the first time in over 15 months~ and ... it has been fantastic. I dont know all of the reasons why I have finally re-gathered~ or a time to come when all of the hurt will be healed--> but i DO know enough about my God, my ambition, my confidence foundation, my desires- 2 Continue. 2Smile. 2share love. 2 live with arms wide open... rejoice through whatever~ whatever fills the pages that are currently unwritten.

and a lot of that i owe to a lot of you. 4 sharing your life with me. 4 being real, 4 being there... out there...

theres no way to end this in a sweep~~ so alas- its good 2 be back.
<3

the RealiTy is...

2006-10-18T20:17:00.000-04:00

remember those good old time television shows, where the family would all sit down to a hot dinner of homemade mashed potatoes, steamed veggies, and turkey roast~ and the first thing the parents would say after grace was "and what did you learn today jr?" ....? welp... i've only been called jr once in my life, but here is what i learned today...

I am weak
I have been holding God back
There is a great work going on around me, and i have been standing in the way (unbeknownst) 2 what God was trying to do through me.
I have been fearful. and not of God's power...
I have been intimidated by tasks, expectations, deadlines, and experiences
I have been selfish

i have made excuses
i have made poor attempts
i have allowed myself to be limited
...to be persuaded (that all that i was doing was all that i could do)
...to be... content
to be overwhelmed

God Is Great! (just ponder that statement..allow it to siiiiiiinnnnnnnnk innnnnnnn....) His Might Will Prepare me- Sustain me- and MAke Me EnoUgH!!!

He does not only limit us to what we can handle when we are being tempted... but he also gives us only what we CAN handle in our work, in our life, in our ministry, n' in the expectations of greatness that lay on us...

i dont want to stand in His way any longer..... Be Great in me 2day Father.
Help me 2 know only Your power, use only Your strength, and see only Your vision, -2 feel only Your love, pursue only Your acknowledgement, and seek only Your satisfaction.
I know that you long 2... plz, be Great in me 2day.

4 this strecth- i can not reach without you.
im ready 2 jump ~~ and i NEED you to MaKe me fly
"be near, oh God-be near"
i finally understand what it truly means- that i Must become Less- so that You may become MoRe...

...i can finally see, that this overwhelming feeling only overwhelms- because i have only been me...
Abba, tu es amor.
<3k
(it is a blessing to see the confidence they have in me - and a comfort to know, i can lay that on You)

da truth

2006-09-18T14:19:00.000-04:00

Truthfully,
I am having a gooood time. This weekend was hard- there are lonnnng hours, and longer days. but overall- I am enjoying this life. I enjoy my j.o.b. I miss friends like crazy. Just having people that i know~ people to ComEOveR (as of now-ive always had to 'go', which isnt a problem- its simply nice to occasionally spend time on home/ recognizable turf).
The students are pretty fabulous. And I just kicked off a new drama ministry last night with another gal down here. We did a skit last night for the high school sevrice to introduce it~~ and it went over realll well--YAY! P.T.L. is all i can say.
At times i feel fully overwhlemned. but the time hanging out with the students makes it all worth it. Or the time with the guys i work with- they're a riot. even today, we went up to one of the high school's to visit with students during lunch periods- and we had just bowls of laughs in the car on the way there. Its still different though, cuz even them- who im spending so much time with- still do not know ME. really know. or what i struggle with, or what my history is like, or what my needs are (although, they do know my favorite milkshake~ which earns tons of points) ;)
but again... i miss those kinda friends. the community of being known, and being loved regardless.
ANNNNND~~ i've had recent pains-of-absence for dear ol' 'DownUnder' ...and now that it is seeming that i wont be able to go to Europe (enter sad face here) I wish i could jus trade the time to come visit!...but, unfortunately, the plane ticket is a bit more... (enter sadder face here) and Sara n i have talked about it...n' its jus wrong.
whaddya'll do 2 us??! what is IN that WaTer!??
;-)

<3

oh my shan... :)

2006-09-04T21:40:00.000-04:00

Sooo... great moment:

super sad time had when i had 2 take my sister 2 the airport 2 leave me... except with my 2 co-workers it was basically impossible 2 be sad~ guys that great jus dont allow that to happen :) ~neway, by the time i got back to the house tho, the saddness hit a bit. it was setteling in as i was driving- and by the time that i walked through the door, i was sighing.... only 2 reach the stairs n see my first peice of mail!!
a package from Shannyn!!!!! =D hooray 4 smiles (although, the ache of my heart in its 'missing you' state did still cause some tears upon reading teh letter n looking through the contents)

but the aussie bible is high-larry-ous!! n i cant wait to move into my office so i can put up the picture sheet.

*~ and a great thing that i love bout this lil rich town... RoUnDabOutS!!! theres even one to get on my street~~ impossible NOt to think of ya'll everyday! ~*

:o)

<3

a whole new world

2006-08-31T16:15:00.000-04:00

Well, this can't be a long one~ as much as it does deserve to be...

I am in Fl- half-way through my first day of 'work'. Two meetings down baby! and the first thing that strikes the gong of unfamilarity is all the discussion concerning our 'hurricane plans and procedures'. We're not expecting to get it bad, but services have alreay been cancelled for the next couple days (although, work has not been) mer... ;o) It's a welcoming enviornment- and there are plenty of friendly faces, and warnings, and advice, and questions, and -of course- expectations. oh-oh!! i got to see my business card today!! its soo cool. =) we're having our first launch for our new church this sunday (im working at one church- on 3 campuses, i am the student director of my campus, the newest one, being held out of a local high school).
My sister and i got in yesterday evening and began unpacking into my new home- with my new 'seregate family' as they have been reffered to as. The Peri's. Ingrid and Ron. They have 4 children of their own- all grown, most married, some with children. It's a huge house- talllll ceilings, and they are sweet people. gonna be an interesting arrangement to get accustumned to. having my sister here has been the biggest blessing.
for the support, the hugs, the extra hands for unpacking ;) , the laughter, and the diagnosing of aawkward situations. hehe... *sigh* she flew into Georgia sunday evening- where i picked her up and we crashed at a hotel for the night. I had traveled there from camp ini southern ohio after having some of my great friends get hitched. :) it was beautiful!! and such an amazing time getting to hang out with everyone before i left... after the wedding we had a party at my friends justin's house--all the past camp people were there. we ranged in ages from 27- 17, and we were all like family. laughing, chatting, swimminig, hott tubing, singing karoke, watching south park, chatting, hugging, throwing those fully dressed into the pool. (t-hehehe) the next morning, my boys took me to breakfast (@ 2) at bob evans before i took off. I friggen Love them sooo much! =) Brock, Justin, and I had a fab time.
they both mean sooo much to me, and have been steady men in my life- a rariety. and they've both been my date to a formal! so thats always fun to watch them compete--lol.... aww, i miss em...
n-e-way..

ohp! i gotta run.
luv ya'll
fo shizzle
<3

e.t.d.....in counting

2006-08-22T01:06:00.000-04:00

this is a hard time.

now that i know what i am doing, and im leaving to do it in less than 48 hrs...
how i hate saying good bye.

i wish relationships werent so opposed. im so sick of losing friendships.

the quality time with my family has been good. finals have been a burden. packing has yet to begin. moving my things into a new room has been difficult. having free time has been nonexsistent. eating has been constant (pounds are being added daily) n time for exercise has deminished. hugs are constant. thoughts are ceaseless. phone calls are long and full of laughter. friends are all far. a new journal has been purchased, its pages empty and awaiting. gas is getting cheaper- as if it knows i have a long journey ahead. vists are planned- only so more goodbyes and cya laters can take place. photo albums are being organized. tears are held at bay. music is a continual background. desires are being categorized. anxiety is growing (n being prayed away). wishing i could be more, and yet be less at the same time is neverceaseing.
thankful im in over my head "right where i wanna be- so lost within Your love, the love that always covers me" -brian littrell.

*sigh*

Sunny-nesss

2006-08-16T14:11:00.000-04:00

How often it comes- and baffiling as well, the unavoidable acknowledgement of one's self lackings.
Competeing against strengths and smiles- weakness trickles in like ants to a beautiful picnic on a sunny day in June. The weaknesses destroy the beauty and carry away the enjoyment. I long to maintain the sunshinning- but, well perhaps its simply just easier- but it seems the efforts get forfeited by the clouds that roll in0 hiding the vibrance. In life easyness is the bludgers way out. You have to fight against the drudgery of the shadows. If only by holding on to the knowledge that "the sun will come out tomorrow!"

Deciding to use the strengths, commiting to beaming continual rays of light and warmth is the understood surrender of self efforts and acceptance of a power that can never come personally~~ Acceptingthe providance of the Great Helper.

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" Phil 4.
That 'whatever' holds the secret of a positive attitude. If you make sunshine a priority no matter the weather- you'll live your life with a lot more energy.

You can't see the shadows- when you're looking toward the sun...

<3

2006-08-16T13:02:00.000-04:00

Mer... I jus wrote an unbelievably fulfilling- enlightening- and admirable post (or perhaps it was just fun...)
but when i went to post it~ it froze and then lost it!! :(

So here is what cha get...
haha :)

Last weekend my mom and I went to see my oldest brother and my sister out near NY. We had a blast. The weekend included lots of eating, laughing, hott tubing, and city-seeing-- not to forget our single game of Uno that lasted- literally- 87 minutes. It.was. crazyness.
and loads of funtimes.

If Sydney is the city that has my heart~ New York is the city that will always be my home...

and since blogger won't let me put n-e-more pictures up.... I bid a-do to you n you n you...
missen ya'll

<3

Sunny-nessss

2006-08-16T12:52:00.001-04:00

that one time...

2006-08-03T22:46:00.000-04:00

So what can make a Beach Boys concert EVEN better?!??!! Why having John Stamos as the special guest of course!! =D

wow- soooo good. I got my mom Beach Boy tickets for the two of us for her Birthday~ n the concert was this past sunday evening in the amazingly re-done DTE Music center- outdoor palace. And it was sooooo fabulous!! Just a riot! great songs- nummy snacks- beach balls bouncing round the crowd...*sigh* took me back to that day when i met John... ohh good times that was :) n' yes- he does sing and play (guitar, drums, bongo, etc) as well as he does on tv! It was a beautiful night- the weather was jus' right ~ nuthin but Good Vibrations, maken us feel basically like we were in Kokomo... what FunFunFun. ;-)

And the 'before that' part of the weekend was fantastic as well. All the best things- sun bathing- mongolian bbq- shopping- great chats n evening walks- best guy friends- n movies... word. great times. :) Sara n' i went and stayed at my friends Justin's apartment~ and Brock came up 4 the weekend 2, so we basically had a lil party as camp people kept comen by, and Matt joined on Saturday~ n then there was the summer pool party goin down on saturday (little to our foreknowledge) -yet soo grateful! And Sara even straightened my hair!! woo-we! *sigh* vu'ry good weekend.

...yes, i know its a bit fuzzy... ;)

<3

the choice

2006-07-31T23:42:00.000-04:00

The song that had me in tears of repentance, acceptance, shame, love, and vulnerbility (thats right- i said it-and its ok to be vulnerable...)
on my road trip home...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like my Jesus
-toddagnew-
go.worship.
n'trulyl.i.v.e.
<3

2nd installment

2006-07-21T16:56:00.000-04:00

So, here is Chapter 2 of getting to know me: Summer edition
all the things that i appreciate most about summer... (well, at least SOMe of the things ;)

1- having a new car! =D (come on, you knew that one would be on here...) ;-)
2- Being able to see friends from high school and before~ and still have crazy times together!
3- having time to hang out with my cousins
4- I love sunsets
5- Driving with the windows down and wind blowing with great jams on the radio on a beautiful day could probably cure cancer
6- sand beneath my toes makes me smile
7- SLEEPING IN! :D
8- staying up LATE!! (or ‘early’ depending on your perception)
9- Lonnng phone convos are rejuvenating; especially at night when you can lay outside and look at the sky
10- Eating Museli for breakfast @ 4pm (mmm, whos doing that right now? yes, tis me) :)
11- Sending mail~ like actual letters
12- Camp! ...although thats harder this year since i cant be a counselor at all..-but visiting is fab!
13- Baseball = favorite sport! Watching, playing and going to games~ especially when the Tigers (my numero uno team) are #1 in their division!!!
14- Laying out!! -ahh, sooo perfect moments of relaxation
15- watching heaps of chic flicks makes me smile.
16- warm evening breezes
17- RoAdTrIps!!
18- cedar point! -"america's rocken roller coast" haha... i love roller coasters!!
19- Tank Tops! my skin didnt even know what to do when i returned from Aussie and i was exposing it to 'the elements'
20- having a tan tummy= favorite!
21- cold glasses of milk. mmmm
22- late night 'camp'fires and the memorable conversations that they produce
23- DanCinG ~nothing like it.
24- Jammen to all the hits and favorites of ages past-- and enjoying the new summer tunes, too :)
25- Concerts!!! -whos going to see the beach boys in 10 days?!?!?! =D
26- Ice cream is much more acceptable as a daily necessity ;o)
27- Weddings! getting dressed up, socializing-eating, and hopefully more dancing! not to mention how darn 'cute' they always are.
28- hiking (when you can find a place to do it)
29- Taking crazy pictures with friends
30- Having those conversations that linger... filled with the reminiscing of great moments- memories, parties, pranks, boys, trips... *sigh*

Its pretty amazing what lacking dark circles, lounging with ol friends, and having a tan tummy can do for a person's optimism...

<3

Today's Highlights

2006-07-18T01:38:00.000-04:00

well... my Grandma said anus. at dinner. Hmm... awkward.
somehow- still a great time, as my cousin and uncle kept trying to get her to say it again (she didnt really know that she had said it, she was trying to pronounce some spice. yet- gt's had by all) :)

The big news...!!!
I got a 141 out of 130 on my math exam!!!!! eek! I cant even believe it. =)

heres the bonus question, try your hand at it....
Shannyn has more than 5 pencils. Her friend, Craig has three times as many pencils as Shannyn. Shannyn gives 5 pencils to Craig and then Craig gives Shannyn three times as many pencils as Shannyn had after the initial exchange. How many pencils does Craig have after both exchanges? (show all work and logic for full credit--only the names were changed, for entertainment value)

-one tip of advice for life, if there are reports of severe thunderstorms, and tornado watches... wear goggles before going for a run- cuz debri and random trees are blowing everywhere. and they will get in your eye. but it sure is gor-ge-ous.
It really got the song "Beautiful One" stuck in my head. (no, i decided not to take my ipod with me... just didnt seem smart-like i might want to have optimal use of all of my senses-- and there was enough noise/ music coming from nature and the wind through, well- everything)
-getting something of a life invitation...hmmm, still not sure of the words to reply to that one...
-ending the evening with a movie in a candle filled room cuddled with my sister and mum.

...and now my sister is gone, and i think i bombed todays math quiz... hmm... "another day another destiny, this never ending road to calvary" -Les Mis always appropriate

hope youre having smiles!
<3

n' I'll hold onto You

2006-07-16T17:35:00.000-04:00

So much has been going on lately. (mostly inside my head- but, ya know...atleast that's working) ;)

~Had an all-nighter with my cousin on friday--such fun! It's been awhile since we've had time to hangout and really chat- so it was good to be able to get back into her life-- and laugh! and around 3 in the morning we decided to watch marykate and ashley's "our lips our sealed" -they're sydney, AU movie. *sigh* it was like watching memories. hearing people say 'give it a go' and 'good on ya mate!' and watching them walking round and watching the surfers on Manly beach.... just bringing back so many memories... my favorite was when they were learning 'aussie lingo' and i understood everything! haha..sweet :) and the vegemite scene took me back to those moments at camp during out 'toast wars' -lol..yesss.
~Went for a run last night- which has become a phenominal time in my daily life-- this time i decided my puppy might like to join. which she did. for about the first 7 minutes, before realizing how out of shape she is -haha, that was funny. So i dropped her back at home and kept going. I use to never like running when it was hott~ but it feels so perfect in the evening; watching the changing colors over everything, listening to my favorite playlist; avoiding sprinklers; getting sweaty, feeling the exhaustion grow--its so revitalizing! a time when my mind is forced to finally focus on a single thought, instead of the normal zillion that have been plagueing it as of late.
~I'm also reading 'Captivating'... proving to be a struggle of personal challenges and forcing me to encounter many recognitions I've been much more obliged to avoid.
despite the hardships within admitting- there have been unmistakable supports of encouragement, too~~ the catch of the day: Isa. 62:1-5 -they added a bit of emphasis, but the passage is breathtaking, kinda like a good hug. that is what the reassurance of God's word- His promises- are to me. and i am so thankful for them...

~Recently, I've also gotten back into a bit of my ol' favorite tunes from the 90's. Songs of choice being: One headlight-Wallflowers; Iris& Baby's blackbaloon- Goo-GooDolls; Some choice Alanis Morissette songs... ;) as well as a variety of others. Oh! as well as the new song by Snow Patrol-'chasing cars'
randomness, yes... but it is true life that is lived in the details.

<3 jus' a fallen Eve :)

oh no i didn't!

2006-07-12T21:59:00.000-04:00

LOL!!! i just watched the funnnnniest episode of South Park- EVAH!!
(episode synopsis:the boys get the newest game machine--n their playing time is interrupted by a talking towel who is somehow part of a government conspiracy against a private corperation (who turns out to be aliens or something)--> soo good!..somehow...)
"Where's Cartman?" "He's punishing our toilet"

"Thats it!" "You remembered the code?!" "Noo..its the tone to 'Funky Town'!"

"I dont care- dont care- dont care"

"We dont ever have to go outside again!"
"Its time to go to school" "Can't, Kenny's got cancer"

Towlie: (smoked as high as a towel can be) "Dont..4get to bring a towel" Cartman: "jeesh towlie, youre the worst character ever"

hahaha.... i was actually laughing heartily outloud.... recieving nothing but concerned looks from my doggy...
gt's
=)

hmm...

2006-07-12T13:56:00.000-04:00

So i got this result in a quiz...

You Are Ned Flanders

A good neighbor and a devout Christian, you are a community leader.

And you are called to make the world a better place, especially for left handed people.

You will be remembered for: your goofy expressions - "hi-dilly, ho-dilly!"

Your life philosophy: "I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!"

The Simpsons Personality Test

and i'm thinking its appropriateness is a lil ,umm, scary... (ya know.. if you change "hi-dilly, ho-dilly" for "oh man!" or "remember that time"....)
;o)

<3

not. here.

2006-07-11T01:12:00.000-04:00

there comes a point when you can no longer fall

you havent hit the ground thats supposedly below yet--but your head just keeps spinning

ideas and relizations are relentless
...you see the mirror
worthlessness surrounds you
driving for moments that seem longer and inmovable
hands glued to the edge of the wheel- arms locked
eyes quivering
i dont cry on the outside.... anymore.
what is all that really for?
r u being sincere
whos being used here?
do i really have the power to hurt someone-- do they realize how hurt i already am
running and stalling
wanting and longing...
why do you wait for me? your patience is unexpected
--is it all for selfishness?! do you even really know me?
why do you mention a future...'our' fut-...

it wasnt even whole to start with

im tired of wondering-
is this really as beautiful as it could be?
..or just a beautiful disaster ...like the rest...
r you going to be satisfied in the morning?

if only to just truly be captivating

i want so badly to just run away
am i using you?
i need familiarity
what the heck just happened?
if i just breathe...
who am i when everyone sees something so different?

Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
whati thought i understood has now joined the heap of confusion
..of the unknown dominating my life
Gotta pick myself up
they're either going to judge me- or never understand the strain
where do I even start
Cuz what im realizing is...now: I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
n vulnerbility shows, yes -im heavily broken

...and i dont know what to say

bring.it.on.!!

2006-07-09T01:19:00.000-04:00

best moments occur during phone convos w/ Aussies =) !!!!!!!! yep, me = still smiling =)
This 'cheeky's cheeks are sore! me= luven ya'll BiG!! (except you mr Commercial~ you gained too many strikes-- umm, my sister!; low-blow mocking -what did you say his age was again??...oh, yeah...!!! >:(
-it might be a safe thing 4 you to NOT be around in 6 months mister....)

..N' NOW- the competiton is on; who is better to have a phone convo with:
Sydney-ians or Melbourne-ites???

- let the games begin... ;)

<3
ps~ melbourne's already winning, cuz "theyve" called here... ;)

Kat n' her new Red Car

2006-07-07T23:03:00.000-04:00

So here is the story of my new car... (the shortened- happy version; the "once upon a time..." story)

Once upon a time on July 7th 2006 a young lady bought a gorgeous new car (slash, new/ used car)

And she was very happy about this experience! Much rejoicing and celebrating erupted!

The first drive on a fast New Jersey Highway seemed like the perfect picture opportunity! So her beautiful sister and her began to catalog their journey...

But in the process of all of tehir marvelous picture taking- they didn't see the 2392466329 vehicle pile-up that lay waiting just in front of them!!!

The fair young maiden (or cheeky American lass as some have deemed...) didn't know what to do!! She was trapped in a dangerous situation!

but what happened next??!?!??

2006-07-07T22:57:00.000-04:00

Well you see, she just then remembered that she was a true detroit gurl- straight from the Motor cIty! and far too smart and more than capable a driver for such circumstances. With renewed confidence, she carried on...

Only to then remember how much debt she was now in!!!!!

Luckily, her sister WAS there... as she comforted the frazzeled young chook with this simple reminder~ "No worries, mate!"

And so they drove along.... HAPPILY EVER AFTER! =)

3s company~ but 4s a PaRtY

2006-07-04T02:15:00.000-04:00

Chicago... otherwise known as Chi-town.
Arrived here Monday evening after a nice 50 minute delay while our plane sat on a runway for no known reasons (perhaps the pilot was attempting to sober up before flight??) Yet upon arrival~ the great times began!! From risking of lives (as one friend sprinted up the down escelator to meet me in mid-descent) to laughing so hard water definetly guisered out of my mouth.

It is a reunion with my closest gal pals from uni. Yep, my sisters from another mother. Upon arrival at this house (which is much more like a mansion- complete with an intercom system throughout the house, 5 full baths, n so much more i cant even explain -like every member of the family has their own computer, including the 7 yr old...) One of our posse is staying with this family while she is doing her internship in the city; not.too.shabby. and the family is gone on a vacation (again) and another one of 'us' just got a job about 2hrs away, so it was a perfect excuse for a re-uniting! We made an amazing greek type salad, slushy type drinks, some garlic bread, prepared the exceptional patio, and had a 'family' dinner on the veranda. ah-mazing times. cant believe how natural it is to be together (although, as the time has grown- i have been able to spot several areas where i can now see a change in myself, and slight alterations in our friendship) yet the 'picking up where we left off' (which i think that cliche has never been stated accurately; wouldnt it be more appropraite to say "picking up where we let down"?...) regardless, it was 4 sure no problem~~ although they did have several questions for me bout the trip that I just hadnt gotten form ya know, my mom... or brother... like, those type of questions only your best gurls can ask ;)
We had a long night~ enjoying both the hot tub and amazing pool, brownie sundaes (mmmmmm) and the perfect way to end any gurl night? nope..not with a chic flick! -rather... Disney's High School Musical! lol...so fun (funny perhaps.. like that we actually watched it, and found enjoyment in doing so..)

And after bout 3.5 hrs of sleep~ i awoke to music being played through the intercom system servicing as my alarm... we were out the door shortly after to roadtrip round to begin the search of apartments. Surprising how sleeping in an enormous master bedroom- in the unbelievable master bed can make you feel rather rested regardless :)

(Our group~ although at the last minute Justyn had to cancel... "oh-man"--- Ash-wee, Court-knee, me, and Sarah-bear-ah)

I wish I had pictures from this weekend to show you... or the space to expound upon our many adventures... jus know that it has been sooo great to be around peers again, and to truly laugh...

(Grad day... one of those times when you know nothing will ever be the same again...)

<3

worken on my ashes..

2006-06-15T12:16:00.000-04:00

worken on my ashes..

its amazing how circumstances can change a heart.... n' how truthful the unkown can be

its been quite a long time since i bothered to share any of my thoughts through writting- to anyone else- yet now, here some are~ for better or worse~ may my vulnerbility be anything but a hinderance to your life as i continue un-hindered in any ramblings that here follow. (n' yes, plz do ignore teh pathetic attempts at correct spelling~ as long as you can make a guesstimate @ the word's desired meaning, continue on---do not cease walking by cause of a crack in the cement)

the thing that has been most on my mind has stemmed from a mixture of songs that have recently freshly attacked a wounded spirit. 2 start: expectations are bad, destain from them whenever possible, instead view only towards your own efforts of humility and servanthood.
Do you know why servants bow? it keeps their eyes off of others, and focused on the tasks that lay before them to be personaly accomplished. Live such as this~ when you are preparing to wash other's feet you will never catch the gaze of an evil eye. "...and took upon Him the very nature of a servant..." (phil 2.7)
never expect of another what u can do 4 yourself, w/ God...

i have come 2 the point in which i am thuroughly not only bothered by, but repulsed by the flamboyance of sin -especially when it is done by those i love more than my own breath. I have chosen to take Christ's side-- to stay by the cross and attempt to fight off those who, with each sin, whip Him again. Nail Him again. Mock His love. His grace.
the song 'Who am I?' has been a heart cry for me this past semester as my Savior has opened my eyes to see my very own wretchedness that i lived so comfortably in for so many years- calling it me, trying to mask the reality of the past i try to embrace, run from, hideaway, and ignore. the 1st time this brokeness set in was in Eleuthera, as i lay alone by the carribean sea @ sunset... such an honest moment- that the beauty of god's creation in nature shown bright oranges, pinks, and blues on the darkness of myself i had been avoiding. laying there on my back, over the coral rocks, my hand being toyed in the gentle waves, tears repressed yet filling my vision~ i began the new leg of this journey we have coined 'discipleship'. yet this time, i recognized that my feet had been cleaned-- and that putting on socks never really did hide the dirt...

At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart
And You've won my heart
Now I can-

TRADE THESE ASHES IN FOR BEAUTY
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross...

Phl 2:8

Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

~~yeah... thats about the brute of it~~ or atleast all i can write 2night...

<3

hmmm

2006-06-15T09:11:00.000-04:00

So I'm here... jus give me a bit to find the light switch...
;-)